Articles Adapted from Oh, Baby!
5 WAYS A BABY WILL CHALLENGE YOUR MARRIAGE
It’s not uncommon for couples to go through a “mourning period” after a baby arrives, even if they’re totally thrilled that they’ve become parents. They may not even realize that they are in mourning, but the fact remains: It’s no longer “just the two of us.” And when “baby makes four,” things get even more complicated! Of course, there are great joys in having a second child—your family often feels complete now that there are two children—but with greater parental responsibilities come more concessions and challenges for parents. It is another time of growth and challenge for a marriage.
Sleep Deprivation Will Take Its Toll: Does it seem as if you and your spouse are always snapping at each other? Sleep deprivation will do that to you! It’s easy to blow small things out of proportion when you can barely deal with the situation in front of you. When nearly every waking hour is spent being on call for meeting the demands of a small child—or two—it’s no wonder we get cranky. And parents frequently find more to argue about when it comes down to issues of raising children.
Intimacy Will Suffer: If the sexual excitement of your pre-baby days seems like a distant dream, you’ve entered the realm of parenthood. Experts say there are only two things you should be doing in your bed: having sex and sleeping. After having a baby, the percentage of time spent on each activity dips heavily to the side of sleeping—or, at least, attempting to get some rest! And even when you decide to give sex a go, your mind is focused on every noise coming from the baby monitor, or you’re worried that the three-year-old will come barging into your bedroom because she’s too scared to sleep in her own. You’re hoping you can just get away with a quickie, or put things off for another night.
Independence Will Be Curtailed: Long gone are the days when you can throw some clothes in a bag and take off at a moment’s notice. Anyplace that you want to go, you need to consider: Is it kid-friendly? How much will it cost for all of us? What kind of supplies do we need? Some activities will just have to be put on hold until the kids are older.
“Just the Two of Us” Will Be History: Most childless couples have little rituals they develop over time. They may take a walk every day after work, cook breakfast together on Saturday mornings, head to the movies every Friday night, or even fold the laundry together! These activities can be a real bonding experience for a couple, something they look forward to sharing with each other. But these things are often the first to go when children alter the schedule. Either you’re too busy to engage in these activities, or they’re not kid-friendly, or one of you has to tend to the children while the other gets things done alone. As couples pursue more and more separate activities, they are frequently surprised at how much they miss doing things as a team.
Everything Will Be About the Kids: If you were once Number One in your partner’s life, you’re probably feeling these days like you’ve been bumped to the Number Two spot with the arrival of a baby. (And a second child bumps you even further down in the pecking order.) Just as your wife is poised to give you a loving back massage, the wails from the bedroom take her hands away from you and toward your child. And just as your husband gets ready to fix that leaky faucet you’ve been asking him to look at for weeks, the baby decides to throw up all over her crib, and you’re both scrambling to clean it up and console her. But even though you both understand the necessity of putting the children’s needs first, sometimes you still can’t help resenting that your own needs aren’t getting met.
But wait, there is some good news: By being aware of the challenges that arise when a baby (or two!) enters the household, and by focusing on the blessings that are also bestowed on a couple, a marriage can survive—and even thrive—amidst the throes of parenthood. Raising a child is all-consuming, no doubt about it, and your marriage will be tested as never before. But together, you’ll also experience more beautiful moments than ever. After a while, you’ll find that the “things” and the “stuff” that you miss are way down on the scale of importance compared to the new joys and experiences you’ll embark on together as parents.
Adapted from Oh, Baby! 7 Ways a Baby Will Change Your Life the First Year ©2006 by Bettie B. Youngs, Ph.D., Ed.D., Susan M. Heim, and Jennifer L. Youngs.
The book is available from your local bookstore, or directly from Hampton Roads Publishing Co. at www.hamptonroadspub.com or 1-800-766-8009.