Q&As for Oh, Baby! 7 Ways a Baby
Will Change Your Life the First Year
Do expectant and new parents have a realistic perception of how their lives will change when they have a baby?
No! The image we see in the media is not “real life.” Celebrities and TV shows make having a baby look like a seamless transition that doesn’t alter their lives a bit! We forget that these situations don’t reflect the average person. Celebrities have nurses, nannies, secretaries, cooks, housecleaners and all kinds of hired help to make their lives easier. And the TV programs aren’t going to show you the nights of sitting up with a teething baby or the financial strain that parents go through. These “idealized” images of what parenthood is really about do a disservice to impending and new parents because they don’t know how to prepare themselves properly for the reality of having a child.
Most people know that you’ll be getting less sleep or may have to make career decisions when you have a baby. What changes are most parents least prepared for?
A child really changes a person’s perception of “self” in so many ways. On the plus side, parenting often “completes” us. Being a parent gives your life “purpose” and “meaning.” You assume an amazing new identity. Raising a healthy, happy child is so much more satisfying to us than having a big house or bank account. But the other side of the coin is that you may lose your sense of self. Trying to care for a baby often leaves you feeling helpless and lacking control—your self-esteem and self-concept can take a big hit in this way, especially when you’re up to your elbows in dirty diapers and spitty rags. This kind of work can be very lonely and unrewarding. No one’s going to pat you on the back for weaning the baby from his pacifier or give you a raise because you figured out how to get formula stains out of tiny T-shirts. You alone have to find the value and importance in your “new job” as mommy or daddy.
What other changes will parents discover in that first year?
Their concept of love will change, as well. They’ll most likely discover for the first time in their lives the meaning of unconditional love. The love they feel for their child is just overwhelming and without precedent for most parents. They feel a fierce protectiveness for this child—it’s a very sacrificial love that they may not even have for their partner. A child is truly a blessing. But with this kind of love also comes a great sense of responsibility, as well as worry. If you were never a worrywart before, you may find yourself suddenly overwhelmed with the need to make sure this child is safe and well. As Elizabeth Stone said, having a child “is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
Of the 7 Ways you discuss in the book, which one is least likely to be covered in other parenting books?
The subject of faith is one that parents rarely anticipate will be challenged with the arrival of a child. Not only is there the obvious question of what faith—if any—they will raise their child in, especially if each parent practices a different faith, but there are other considerations, as well. Many people experience a resurgence of faith as they witness this little miracle who has entered their lives. Seeing this child come into the world makes parents feel as if they’ve been granted a wonderful gift, and they wish to seek out the source of such goodness. They may also see God as being more necessary in their lives now as they seek protection for their child and wish for a “companion” on this parenting journey. But, of course, parents may need to find new ways to experience their faith as their time will be limited. They may just be so wrapped up in their baby that religious practices are put aside.
We see that you have a chapter on friends. Why would having a baby affect our friendships? Wouldn’t our friends naturally be happy for us when we become parents?
Sure, they are. And at first, they may show it by throwing a shower or buying gifts. But when the reality of this new little person enters a friendship, it frequently causes problems. For instance, if you and your friend are at different stages in your lives, your single friend may not really want to hear about every time your baby gets a little cold. And she may not be sympathetic if you cancel your plans with her for the third time because you can’t find a babysitter. Some friends may be jealous if they’ve been unable to have a baby or aren’t at that place in their lives yet. On the other hand, starting a family is an amazing way to build friendships. Suddenly, you’ve got a whole new circle of other parents with whom you have so much in common! You’re now in the “parenthood club,” and that affords you a certain amount of respect and camaraderie with others. You’re comparing prices on minivans, debating the merits of baby swim classes and seeking advice on getting baby on a sleep schedule. It’s an incredible bonding experience between parents.
Why did you think this book needed to be written?
We’ve spoken to so many parents who have said to us after having a baby, “Whoa, nobody ever told us it was going to be like this!” Not only did they fail to anticipate the many challenges involved, but they also never realized how all-consuming this child would be in their lives in every way—how many areas of their lives would be impacted. But this book is really about encouragement. Although we are honest about the tough times you’ll face in that first year, we also stress the enormous rewards that parenting can bring. And by being aware of the stressors of that first year, one can be more prepared to handle them and thus maximize the parenting experience. When parents aren’t equipped to deal with the challenges, they may fail to see the incredible gift they’ve been given.
Do these changes only happen with a couple’s first baby?
The first baby requires the most adjustment, no doubt about it, but many parents are surprised to find that the second baby introduces a whole new set of challenges and rewards. There are increased demands on your time and patience, as well as new issues like sibling rivalry, increased financial pressures and even more stresses on a marriage. Having Baby #2 is NOT “more of the same.” It’s a whole new set of obstacles and decisions to be made.
How is the marital relationship affected by the arrival of a child, and how does this differ for single parents?
Well, the old saying that “three’s a crowd” sometimes rings true when baby enters the happy twosome. Suddenly, couples are too tired for sex and companionship, they’re too preoccupied with meeting the needs of baby to meet each other’s needs, and there’s no longer time for those shared activities that they used to enjoy together. But having a baby can also be a real bonding experience for a couple. They may see each other in a new light as they show such loving devotion to the child they created together. And couples may strive for greater commitment as they feel an obligation to be together for the good of their child. They know they’ll always be linked by this child they share, and that’s a very romantic connection. Single parents, of course, won’t be dealing with the same marital issues, but adding a child to their lives will certainly have a great impact on their future relationships. With their freedom drastically curtailed and their increased responsibilities, it’s often hard to form or maintain lasting relationships. And many of the stresses of parenthood may be magnified without the help of a supportive partner. But single parents may also be thrilled to finally have the love of a child in their lives—it may fill an empty hole they’d previously been unable to fill with a partner.
So, is it smooth sailing after that first year?
Every year has its own challenges and rewards. In fact, even parents of grown children will tell you that there are still issues to address when children become adults. But by handling the pressures and optimizing the joys of that first year, you’re off to a good start with your child. Experts say that bonding with your child early in life is one of the best things you can do for him or her in terms of ensuring that they will grow up with a healthy self-esteem and will have the necessary emotional tools to handle the adversities of life. That’s why this book so heavily encourages the building of that crucial connection—a strong parent/child bond.
Bottom line, would you recommend having children or not?
Our advice is, go for it! We love being parents! But . . . do your homework first. Know realistically what to expect in terms of how it will change your life and be prepared with strategies for handling the challenges. This book, of course, is a great place to start for that! Most of all, resolve to enjoy and cherish this first year of your baby’s life. It goes by so quickly, and that little baby is truly a blessing!